so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
