i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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