Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
