So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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