my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who did Billy Mays play for?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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