everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
