we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my being single is dangerous.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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