I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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