Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
