I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
