Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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