Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
