One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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