i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
