FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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