I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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