my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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