12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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