I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
pray to the hookup gods
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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