My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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