You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
