i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
