my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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