It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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