So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
