my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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