Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
