Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
