I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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