Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
