Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
