do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
