when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
