How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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