I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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