I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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