there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
