Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
