If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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