Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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