I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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