For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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