he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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