I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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