He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
