saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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