I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
