She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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