Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
