I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
